1. When at breakfast, ask what you’re having for lunch, and at lunch ask what you’re having for dinner. When it’s night time, wish you could go to sleep so you can eat breakfast.
2. At every restaurant, don’t let anybody touch what their food until you’ve taken a picture of it with your digital camera AND iPhone.
3. Base friendships on food preferences. If your friend doesn’t enjoy eating, what else are you going to do with them? With my friendships, I catch up with friends over meals, or go from bakery to restaurant to café in a new city, or talk about food…
4. Set Food Porn Daily as your home page.
5. Watch Food Network when you have the stomach flu as a replacement for all the food you can’t currently eat.
6. Don’t listen to anything anybody else is saying at the table because you’re so focused on how good the food tastes.
7. Like people more if they post good pictures of food on Instagram.
8. Dislike people if they can’t take good pictures of food.
9. Judge people based on what they order at a restaurant. Oh, you ordered the most boring thing on the menu? Consider yourself judged.
10. Designate your best friends as people you enjoy eating with and who eat as much as, if not more, than you.
11. Exercise just so you can eat whatever you want.
12. Don’t pay attention in class and look up the best restaurants and pastries in the area, planning out what you’re going to eat when class is over and stress out about it.
13. Choose profile pictures that involve you eating.
14. Keep vegetarian friends around even though you don’t support their life choices.
15. Occasionally pity yourself because you spend more time with food than people.
16. Dream of being a food critic, but not really because you don’t really want to criticize any sort of food, but just take drool-worthy pictures of it and then eat it.
17. Make sure to become especially surly, grumpy, and moody if you are hungry or if you have had a bad meal.
18. After eating something particularly delicious, declare how it was the best thing you’ve ever tasted and never stop talking about how it just melted in your mouth or how the flavors complemented each other perfectly, even if your friends’ ears start to bleed.
17. Wish that if the world were a perfect place, you would never gain weight and you could just eat whatever you wanted whenever you wanted with the people you love most.