I am such an emotional wreck right now for a large number of reasons (not as much now that I’ve been inducing myself into food comas since I’ve been home).
Too much is happening and changing. I have people and things to get over. People are leaving me. I literally have no idea where this semester went. It was so fun and so much happened, but it went by so quickly, and now I am sad. We only have one semester left, and after that, I may never see some of the wonderful people I’ve met. I wish I could freeze time because I feel like I am barely holding on.
Thinking back to freshman, sophomore, and junior, it really is crazy how much friendships and life changes. Nothing really goes as planned. I’ve done some pretty awesome things but probably a lot more shitty things. I’ve learned the most from being hurt over and over again, and it’s intimidating to realize that will never stop. But seriously, after the hurt, there’s always the happy!!
I’ll admit I am absolutely the type to get attached to people. It has taken me a long time to admit that to myself, but once I like someone whether it’s friendship or romantic, I’m all in. I am so, so scared of what will happen with my friends and relationships. I wish all of my friends and I could just live in an apartment or dormitory together, having fun, going to work, doing whatever we need to do, as long as we stay together. But I know it’s not realistic, and it probably is not what everybody else wants. But I just want to stop time for a little bit longer. That is my weak point right now. Of all of the things I cannot control, it is time. I remember I got a fortune cookie once that said, “Time heals all wounds,” which was reassuring at the time, but what if time is the one creating those wounds? I guess time will heal that too, eventually. Ugh, dear no one.
Although it is not that realistic, I wish I could have the chance to get dinner with everybody individually, especially the people I do not know as well, and just learn their story. People never cease to surprise me, and I love surprises! Like I said, I am the type to get attached, but I have a hate-love relationship with that desire for attachment. I hate it because it hurts when I have to sever those connections, but I love people!!!!
I’m feeling rushed the way it is after finals – when you feel like you have no time to pack all of the clothes you need to bring home or the coat your mom decided to have shipped to you – but instead of clothes, I feel like I have no time to pack my thoughts and emotions and experiences. I’m not ready for that to end anytime soon. And I know I still have one more semester left, but knowing it will end triggers a literal heart ache every time.
I’m getting my last semester bucket list going, so if any of you are interested in joining me in checking everything off, please do so. And I want to get coffee or a meal with anybody!! Don’t hesitate to hit a homie up. No regrets, just love!!!!