A Collection of Thoughts from Dinners and Nighttime Strolls

I’m definitely going to look back on this point in my life and realize how trivial it all was and how, as per usual, melodramatic I was. With that said, I’m still feeling what I’m feeling and obviously need to share it with the whole world.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve felt myself going through an incredible emotional upheaval. I suppose with the coming change and move, it’s a reasonable thing to expect. But I feel like I’ve been experiencing a slow death, reflecting on pretty much my whole life in the span of these short weeks and having weird flashbacks to people and things I hadn’t thought about in months and years. Normally, the turnaround from reflection to learning isn’t so quick, but for whatever reason, my mental factory is on some rushed schedule. Everything has been especially saturated and overwhelming.

The upside to this impending move, however, is that I’ve been seeing a lot more of my friends. Time is honestly the most valuable thing at this point in our lives. Everybody has their own life to live, so if someone’s willing to make time for you, there’s not much more you can ask for. So it’s meant so much to me when friends have made the time.

So after ordering some salads because health, a couple of friends (who had made time for me, boom!) and I found ourselves sitting on the floor of my nearly barren apartment. It felt like when I had first moved in, but a little more than a year later with many more experiences to boot.

We spoke of friends and family and jobs and everything in between. The curried cauliflower and avocado blended into the background of our musings and worries, the ones that always come with being in your early twenties. This past year, we redeveloped our identities and self-esteem, things that had fallen in between the cracks in recent years.

But why are we in such a rush?? Our pace of living is so hurried and fast. Not just in New York, but all around the world, it seems like young people are in a hurry to get everything done and figure everything out. It’s as if we need a soulmate right now, or a perfect job and career right away, while living in a boho-chic decorated apartment to run away from to go on tropical vacations with aforementioned soulmate with the money we make from aforementioned job. All the while being confident, fit, and healthy, mentally and physically.

But we, or at least I, am literally only one year out of college when everything was served to us on a silver platter, only two years older than being the ripe, drunken twenty-one year-old that I was, and only three years out of being a literal teenager. When did everything suddenly get so urgent?

One of my serious mental blocks is that I have a very difficult time internalizing the fact that nothing is permanent. For me, I always assume with my friends that we’ll be friends forever, or if I like somebody, I’ll never get over them, or if I’m somewhere, I’ll be there forever, I’ll be sad forever, I’ll be happy forever, and so on. And I learn time and time again that things change and everything is temporary and that I’ll move on. So this discomfort and uncertainty we’re feeling right now will not be forever. We’ll (hopefully) reach a point where we have more of a career trajectory than we do now. We’ll have fallen in and out of love, but found enough security in ourselves that we don’t break every time. Moral of the story is, life goes on folks, whether you want it to or not. It’s happening right now. People are changing and so are you. Easier said than done to internalize that…

So when friendships and relationships take a turn, and you get in a fight, it’s unproductive to hold a grudge forever. Is it too late now to say sorry? No. People are constantly changing and growing, so remember to forgive, because you’re resenting a different person than you were before. One crucial thing I’ve learned specifically this week, though, is if you don’t like something about somebody, it’s nearly always you, not them. You may not believe it, but really analyze what you don’t like about somebody and see where it takes you. Also vice versa – sometimes you’re holding on to somebody who isn’t the same person you first started loving. It can be hurtful when people fall out of your life, but sometimes it’s necessary.

But I have to say, it’s a great feeling when friendships exceed expectations, whether that be measured in years or distance. There are some people I still trust more than anybody else, even if I don’t see them as often.  I’m so lucky to have some quality, reliable people in my life who keep me sane. I can no longer stand flakiness or inconsistency, qualities I forgave more easily before and qualities that kept me interested. Games are just annoying now, whether it be with friends or more-than-friends. Just be reliable!!!

Just so many thoughts right now, and I have a zilion more, but I’ll end it there. Stay tuned for more in the coming days and weeks…and months…and years…

 

P.S. Justin Bieber’s new album is out.

 


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