It’s funny being back in California, where the sun always shines. The coldest it gets is light jacket in the morning and light jacket in the evening, and even then, I at least have a sky smeared with magenta and lavender to look at.
I just scrolled through my photos and clicked through my calendar, expecting to see the same date as when I first arrived, expecting some mercy from the winds of time, but the solstice is just around the corner, soon to bring in the official mark of summer, the official mark of leisure, the official mark of unofficial lethargy. It feels like the eternal summer I had been chasing for so long is already here.
Summer is unique. It marks the end of so many eras, while also marking the start of so many new adventures. But it also marks a plateau upon which people can wander and wait, wondering what awaits.
For me, I’m wondering when this all happened. At what point did I start using my head over my heart, and at what point did my emotions level out so much. Was it the consecutive years of uncertainty that did my heart in or is it the the unwavering and consistent sunshine that calmed my bloodstream? And I’m mostly wondering, is this a good thing or a bad thing? As someone who always felt the extremes of every emotion – tragedy in sadness, bliss in happiness, love in liking – I feel like a patient that’s been anesthetized.
But you know what? I’ll take it. Maybe this is a product of growing – learning to balance things out and take the punches more swiftly. Learning not to give so much of myself and falling into things a little bit more slowly. Being more careful with my heart.
I have a friend who “sends” me “patience” everyday, which has ultimately turned into a conscious meditative practice for me, as hastiness tends to me one of my larger flaws. If there’s anything I’ve learned the past few years, it’s that nothing bad comes from hard work and patience.
Even if the seasons and sunshine around me are or aren’t changing, I can try to maintain peace and patience within, no matter what. As long as we have the privilege of health, there’s no rush, in fact, for anybody. The starshine and moonshine and sunshine will all shine the same, maybe a little brighter at times and maybe through curtains of clouds at others, but maybe life isn’t always meant to be so boisterous.
And here’s a cheesy Veggie Melt to reward you for reading through the cheesiness.