Nachos & Feelings

Time and time again, I feel that I’m constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass with time. It’s just a matter of patience and gratitude.

I drove up to San Mateo today to get my favorite five dollar nachos with my friends. A lot had happened in the past month or so, and good and bad, and as I spewed nonsense and emotion, rational and irrational, they listened and gave their feedback and opinions, with no judgment of my often delusional theories and thoughts. They made me laugh and smile whilst also giving giving me their eyes and ears as I struggled to make sense of what was in my head and heart. I felt an extreme wave of love and gratitude towards my friends in this moment. The extent of their investment in my life and problems is certainly not necessary, but here they were, treating me to taro milk tea and laughing a little bit too loudly in a public space with me, when I needed it the most. It was a moment where I truly internalized the cliché of “true friends are the ones who stick around when things get tough.” And it was a moment where I realized how healing gratitude can be.

As I drove home, though, I couldn’t help but fall back into my head, wondering why life was like this and why I never seem to be able to catch a break. I changed the song from the loud, vengeful anthem I had been blasting on repeat on my way up, to one with a much slower tempo and lyrics that matched the pastel sky and the reflective nature of Sunday evenings.

But I realize again, I’m so so so so lucky to have people who truly love and prioritize me. I’m lucky to be healthy and be living in such a wonderful place. I have the privilege of being independent but having others to depend on when I need them. I live quite happily and hope to continue doing so, even when it feels like the stars don’t seem to quite align for me. It is a wonderful feeling to be loved – it’s just a matter of accepting the love you receive.

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나는 항상 한 박자 늦어. 하지만 박자 보다는 감정이 더 중요하니까.


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